It’s real. It’s no doubt. It’s no wonder. What’d I expect?

Apparently I anticipated something less than greatness. Cause that’s what I got and now I’m glad. 

There’s something about being rocked to sleep that reminds me of this. 

My wife is sleeping, taking a nice Sunday afternoon nap. We ate lunch, watched some of the Knicks game, and I rang my fingers through her hair until she fell asleep, resting her head on my shoulder. 

That’s my image of what Christ means in this verse. 

I picture God and I hanging out, doing our thing, and then Him whispering into my ear that everything is okay, and that all will one day be well. I picture Him calling me his child and me calling Him dad. 

I repeat to myself “For I know the plans I have for you” Declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jer 29:11)”. I remember that “He saved us not because of righteous things we had done but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of re-birth and renewal by the Holy Spirit” (Titus 3:5). I remember “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- And this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God” (Eph 2:8). I remember “Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in His name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12).  I remember “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes” (Rom 8:28).

Our God is good God. We all forget that sometimes. Be reminded this afternoon that God cares about you. That he loves you. 

THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD EVER DO TO MAKE HIM LOVE YOU LESS. 

Let yourself lean on God’s chest, allow Him to heal you with His Holy Spirit. Allow yourself to accept His overwhelming and perfect love. 

Open you’re eyes to the goodness of this heavenly father who is the best daddy you ever could imagine. and then some. 

Not to create anything on your own. Not to have initiative. Not to stray from what’s been laid out. Not even in the slightest manner.

He says to her, “I’m not doing this. I’m not going to be made a fool of, walking in the shadow of a puffed up, second class shmuck”.

He needed to have life on his own merit. The freedom to choose which line to say when and to have a say in how the scene played out. He needed to have his hands in the makings.

He was never seen again.

I really truly believe that there are endless options of what I will do when I grow up.

I really truly believe that my options don’t decrease as I grow older.

I really truly believe that every human being has been created with the miraculous gift of determination and has been given the gift of hope. Which combined, can overcome any circumstance.

What would you do if only you were determined?

What would it take to give you the hope you need to open your weary eyes?

I’m registering for new classes to take, and though I said I’d major in business so I could write off my tuition expenses I’m more interested in “Digital Storytelling”, “Latin”, “Accounting 101″, “Schooling in America”, “Theories of investment”, “Russian Authors; Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Chekhov” and “Hot Issues in the Global Economy”.

Each of the classes is a new door. I can hear the creak of opportunity opening, allowing me to once again reinvent myself- for a time.

I desire free will, freedom. An absence of responsibility. Without commitments. Able to do as I please.

I also desire structure, routine. A plan. Agendas. Consistency. A disciplined lifestyle.

A life where I wake up early because I want to be ready for every opportunity that comes my way.

My ideal life would be one full of structure and routine, but both of which I’ve chosen through my free will.

I would live in a cabin. I’d be a writer. I’d be up at 6am every day. I’d let my dog out in the backyard (a mountainous sight) and sip a nice cup of freshly brewed black coffee, with some grinds. I’d be standing there in an old pair of worn out Levis, my beloved slippers, and some slightly oversized wool sweater which doesn’t get washed often as it should. like my jeans. I’d go back inside, scramble 4 eggs for myself and 2 for my wife. We’d each have 2 pieces of wheat toast and we’d sit and talk for a while. The dog would be inside again, but now we’d go back outside for a hike. I’d get geared up and would go for a mile or two not on any path but straight into the heart of the woods, exploring, learning, feeling small. Eventually we’d get home, I’d shed my snow covered layers, light a fire in the wood stove, sit in my chair with my macbook and write a story. Every day. Then my wife and I would sit and read fictional novels from millenniums past. This would be a life of discipline and of daily routine. But all of which we’ve chosen.

I fight discipline because the order in my life has been imposed by several needs for survival which I don’t know how else to satisfy, yet. I fight this routine because it’s not one I’ve chosen. Does this make it okay? Does it really matter whether I’ve chosen the discipline or not?

Is discipline about what’s causing the order/routine/structure OR is discipline about development, about growth, about the human need for being kept accountable to something?

This human condition… How far have we strayed from design? What was the design? What remains from that design?

How do we get  back?

Jesus. Simply follow Jesus.

See where I am in 10 years. Look at my life and decide if following Jesus helped.

I’m watching it pour down the sky. I have a delicious cup of coffee in my hand. I have the blinds pulled back. I have 4 scrambled eggs happily being digested. A tangerine is waiting for my move. I’m watching the wind blow some flakes up while others fall down.

I really truly wish I lived somewhere where this happened more than just 3 months out of the year. It’s so beautiful.

Creation is intoxicating.

I do it because as a husband I have to provide for my wife. but is that really my job? 

I want to make a drastic change in my life. 

I want to be waiting for my wife when she comes home from work and I want to have bags packed.

I want to have snacks ready for us. I want to get in our little car and drive west. I’ll have already made arrangements to sell her car and most of our belongings. We’ll take our dog and we’ll drive west until we can’t go any further. We’ll either run out of money or hit ocean. 

I want to wake up in my drivers seat and pull a pen out of my crazy head of hair. I want to describe the sun everyday when it rises. i want to write adjectives on my wifes soft skin as she lies sleeping in the sunlight describing her beauty. i want to hold my dogs head close to mine and pet her slowly.

i want to read books all day and adventure into every acre woods and every open field. i want to see the world from every angle possible. i want to start over. i want rebirth.

i want to change the way i view this life. i want to understand the true intention of ownership.

i want to live freely and abundantly. 

I don’t fear commitment- i desire life.