Hurt.

Allowing oneself to hurt is contradictory. Everything we are and have been designed to be fights to protect us from hurt and from harm.

 

When I’ve been hurt I naturally react with an overcompensation of “non-reaction”. I tell myself it’s fine and it happens and it wasn’t intentional and whatever else I need to say until I feel okay.

I’m learning though that when there is hurt healing must accompany eventually, otherwise bitterness will tag a long. I’m also learning that to find healing after hurt I have to take the time to sit down and process it.

 

That means thinking through why I hurt. What made me hurt. Who made me hurt. It means allowing myself to feel those feelings again and this time nip in the bud the voice that says “That wasn’t intended to hurt you- don’t feel hurt. Call it an honest mistake”. That voice sounds nice from this angle, but it negates my feelings. This is where you get a taste of my personal believes; feelings are meant to be felt. All feelings. That’s as far as that goes- though I think it’s fine to feel feelings but not fine to act on all feelings. My wife often catches me in this position of preventing myself from feeling a feeling because some logic says I shouldn’t, or whatever caused me to feel it didn’t intend for it to make me feel that.

 

Tonight I was distant. I was not supportive. I was not allying myself with my wife. Tonight I was burdened by all the feelings I’ve been pushing away feeling. I was weighed down by the pressure of not feeling these feelings. I don’t know exactly how it started or even when but I have for as long as I can remember struggled with feeling feelings. I always try to neutralize them, never getting too excited or too happy and never too upset or too angry. This is not the way you want to live your life, trust me. As important as balance is, it should not compromise justified emotions.

 

Well, here I am. 9:52PM on Tuesday. Sitting in my bed with my sleeping wife and my sleeping dog. I still haven’t felt these feelings. I’m still trying to figure out how to feel those things. I guess time and lots of talking will do it. I’ll be sure to let you know

 

 

I’m feeling scattered and increasingly drowsy so I’ll wrap this up as concisely as my youthful imagination and temporary focus will allow:

 

Nobody likes feeling hurt. Some of us can’t help feeling it, others of us can push it off until we forget what it feels like (that’s me). The only way to make it go away though is to allow yourself to feel it. You have to allow the brokenness to come and highlight wholeness. It’s through seeing what you’ve been dealt and knowing what you deserve (which as a child of God is just about everything under the sun (and the sun)) that you can eventually come to terms with the reality.

I have an unforgiving sense of conviction which causes me to take upon myself others pains and stresses but along with that I almost always forget that I have pains, hurts, stresses, and fears which need dealing with.

 

I’m going to sleep now, but think of me as I try to find out where the hurt and pain originated and deal with it from there.

Worn down but not out.

I’m tired of writing about where I think we’ve gone wrong.

I’m too frustrated to write about the failings of my era and those leading to it.

My heart is too heavy to continue mulling over all the facts that prove we’ve missed the point.

I feel like I’ve run into a sad circumstance where my hopes have been deferred. Or deterred… I wrote about this here.

Once again, all I can see is the grey. It’s pouring like the clouds. It’s rushing like the feathers out of my just ripped down pillow. It’s sinking like the glass plate that slipped out of my hands after leaving the dishwasher, heading towards the cupboard.

It’s making it’s way towards each of us-that’s the nature of the grey.

But I refuse to be taken down by the grey. 

I just can’t stop believing that there is hope for a turnaround. I’m so tired of thinking I’ve found it and then finding myself discouraged once that particular hope has fleeted. I’m worn out from this optimism which I try to carry with me everywhere.

The only encouragement I find is in the words of Christ. and even those take time to lift my eyes again.

 

 

So now I’m down. If you read the title of this you’ll know that I’m not out.

 

Throughout my entire life I’ve been changing my circumstances. I have tried for a long time to stray from commitment and from routine. Then I fell in love and realized commitment isn’t so bad. Actually, it’s a great thing. I’ve also started over several times in my life. I’ve made friends then made new friends, moved away and moved on. I’ve had jobs then moved on to new ones. Now I’m in a place where I’m moving on again but I’m not moving away. This time I’m living through it. It’s uncomfortable. I actually hate it with most of me. But I need to do it. If you know Kelsie or me you will know that we’re on a journey. I like to call us sojourners. We’re both torn up by the reality of church getting in the way of Jesus, of ministry getting in the way of ministering, and by obligation getting in the way of joy.

The whole purpose of the church is to share the heart of Jesus Christ with everyone who doesn’t know it and unfortunately people have seen a whole lot about that but very little of that. So we’re making strides to go back to the basics. We’re going back to the beginning. The place where it all began and where it will all end.

And I have a good feeling about this… I’m scared. I’m not sure about it. I’m reluctant. It takes faith. It takes trust. It takes more than what I have right now and when that’s the case it’s usually a good thing.

 

 

I’m excited. Very curious. Hopeful.

COMMUNICATION

It’s so hard to say what I feel sometimes. But when I don’t say it. I’m not me. 

It seriously takes several minutes of silence to decipher this odd heart of mine and figure out what it is I’m feeling. 

 

It’s a beautiful practice though- learning about yourself. Beginning to understand how you work, how one feeling might be the result of another feeling that was felt by the misinterpretation of some occurrence. 

An inward focus is not selfish as often thought. I believe it’s wise to take the time to study oneself. 

It’s a practice that would lead to stronger, longer, better relationships and a happier life.

 

I’m still far from knowing Nate but every day that I get closer, it’s a little better. 

 

Try it out. Study yourself. Take some time to be alone and really think through who you are. 

Decisions

Recently, I’ve been making decisions quickly and effectively. 

It’s felt good.

I feel manly. Strong. Confident. 

It’s a new feeling. 

I love it.

 

Welcome to real life. 

This is me.

The greatness

It’s overwhelming. It’s unrelenting. It’s everywhere. It’s all the time. It’s on my mind. It’s on time.

 

 

 

It’s real. It’s no doubt. It’s no wonder. What’d I expect?

 

Apparently I anticipated something less than greatness. Cause that’s what I got and now I’m glad. 

John 14:1

Jesus once said “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust in me also”.

There’s something about being rocked to sleep that reminds me of this. 

My wife is sleeping, taking a nice Sunday afternoon nap. We ate lunch, watched some of the Knicks game, and I rang my fingers through her hair until she fell asleep, resting her head on my shoulder. 

That’s my image of what Christ means in this verse. 

I picture God and I hanging out, doing our thing, and then Him whispering into my ear that everything is okay, and that all will one day be well. I picture Him calling me his child and me calling Him dad. 

I repeat to myself “For I know the plans I have for you” Declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jer 29:11)”. I remember that “He saved us not because of righteous things we had done but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of re-birth and renewal by the Holy Spirit” (Titus 3:5). I remember “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- And this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God” (Eph 2:8). I remember “Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in His name, he gave the right to become children of God” (John 1:12).  I remember “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes” (Rom 8:28).

 

Our God is good God. We all forget that sometimes. Be reminded this afternoon that God cares about you. That he loves you. 

 

THERE IS NOTHING YOU COULD EVER DO TO MAKE HIM LOVE YOU LESS. 

 

 

Let yourself lean on God’s chest, allow Him to heal you with His Holy Spirit. Allow yourself to accept His overwhelming and perfect love. 

 

 

Open you’re eyes to the goodness of this heavenly father who is the best daddy you ever could imagine. and then some. 

The End.

“Didn’t you read the script?” She said, “The part you signed up for is simply to mirror his character.”

Not to create anything on your own. Not to have initiative. Not to stray from what’s been laid out. Not even in the slightest manner.

He says to her, “I’m not doing this. I’m not going to be made a fool of, walking in the shadow of a puffed up, second class shmuck”.

He needed to have life on his own merit. The freedom to choose which line to say when and to have a say in how the scene played out. He needed to have his hands in the makings.

He was never seen again.

Possibility

I really truly believe that the world is full of possibilities.

 

 

I really truly believe that there are endless options of what I will do when I grow up.

 

 

I really truly believe that my options don’t decrease as I grow older.

 

 

I really truly believe that every human being has been created with the miraculous gift of determination and has been given the gift of hope. Which combined, can overcome any circumstance.

 

 

What would you do if only you were determined?

What would it take to give you the hope you need to open your weary eyes?

Creaking Doors

When a door opens slowly, it 9 times out of 10 creaks.

I’m registering for new classes to take, and though I said I’d major in business so I could write off my tuition expenses I’m more interested in “Digital Storytelling”, “Latin”, “Accounting 101″, “Schooling in America”, “Theories of investment”, “Russian Authors; Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Chekhov” and “Hot Issues in the Global Economy”.

Each of the classes is a new door. I can hear the creak of opportunity opening, allowing me to once again reinvent myself- for a time.