There are certain nights when my body, as exhausted as it is, will not allow itself to shut down and to find rest. I go to bed before ten. I’m awake and restless by midnight. I find sleep again, just to wake, literally, every hour and a half until suns rising.
This is by all means a premature assumption… but I feel that when a soul is discontent even though symptoms of that discontentment seem to vanish from one’s thoughts, they’re never actually gone.
This week I’ve been dreaming, seeking, praying, and fighting for a life that’s fulfilling in everything I do. I’ve been dreaming for a life where my wife and I have more than 3 waking hours a day together on the 5 days a week that we work. I’ve been praying for a life where we can work side by side each other and live in constant challenge and encouragement with each other. I’ve been fighting all the thoughts that say that this is okay; this satisfactory lifestyle is all that was actually intended. Thoughts that tell me I’m fighting towards something thats more idealogical than it is real. That is true to an extent, but I’m also sure there is more than what we have now.
If my tone comes off bitter, forgive it. We’re not in a bad place at all, we’re actually in a great place living life with all it’s challenges together. BUT, because it’s great doesn’t mean it’s the best, and I’ve committed to searching for the best all my life- always changing, always growing, always improving, always increasing. One step at a time.
I know my last few steps- what’s the next step?
I don’t know yet but with sleepless nights like last night, I’m sure I’ll know once I’ve found it.