Worn down but not out.


I’m tired of writing about where I think we’ve gone wrong.

I’m too frustrated to write about the failings of my era and those leading to it.

My heart is too heavy to continue mulling over all the facts that prove we’ve missed the point.

I feel like I’ve run into a sad circumstance where my hopes have been deferred. Or deterred… I wrote about this here.

Once again, all I can see is the grey. It’s pouring like the clouds. It’s rushing like the feathers out of my just ripped down pillow. It’s sinking like the glass plate that slipped out of my hands after leaving the dishwasher, heading towards the cupboard.

It’s making it’s way towards each of us-that’s the nature of the grey.

But I refuse to be taken down by the grey. 

I just can’t stop believing that there is hope for a turnaround. I’m so tired of thinking I’ve found it and then finding myself discouraged once that particular hope has fleeted. I’m worn out from this optimism which I try to carry with me everywhere.

The only encouragement I find is in the words of Christ. and even those take time to lift my eyes again.

 

 

So now I’m down. If you read the title of this you’ll know that I’m not out.

 

Throughout my entire life I’ve been changing my circumstances. I have tried for a long time to stray from commitment and from routine. Then I fell in love and realized commitment isn’t so bad. Actually, it’s a great thing. I’ve also started over several times in my life. I’ve made friends then made new friends, moved away and moved on. I’ve had jobs then moved on to new ones. Now I’m in a place where I’m moving on again but I’m not moving away. This time I’m living through it. It’s uncomfortable. I actually hate it with most of me. But I need to do it. If you know Kelsie or me you will know that we’re on a journey. I like to call us sojourners. We’re both torn up by the reality of church getting in the way of Jesus, of ministry getting in the way of ministering, and by obligation getting in the way of joy.

The whole purpose of the church is to share the heart of Jesus Christ with everyone who doesn’t know it and unfortunately people have seen a whole lot about that but very little of that. So we’re making strides to go back to the basics. We’re going back to the beginning. The place where it all began and where it will all end.

And I have a good feeling about this… I’m scared. I’m not sure about it. I’m reluctant. It takes faith. It takes trust. It takes more than what I have right now and when that’s the case it’s usually a good thing.

 

 

I’m excited. Very curious. Hopeful.

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