Allowing oneself to hurt is contradictory. Everything we are and have been designed to be fights to protect us from hurt and from harm.
When I’ve been hurt I naturally react with an overcompensation of “non-reaction”. I tell myself it’s fine and it happens and it wasn’t intentional and whatever else I need to say until I feel okay.
I’m learning though that when there is hurt healing must accompany eventually, otherwise bitterness will tag a long. I’m also learning that to find healing after hurt I have to take the time to sit down and process it.
That means thinking through why I hurt. What made me hurt. Who made me hurt. It means allowing myself to feel those feelings again and this time nip in the bud the voice that says “That wasn’t intended to hurt you- don’t feel hurt. Call it an honest mistake”. That voice sounds nice from this angle, but it negates my feelings. This is where you get a taste of my personal believes; feelings are meant to be felt. All feelings. That’s as far as that goes- though I think it’s fine to feel feelings but not fine to act on all feelings. My wife often catches me in this position of preventing myself from feeling a feeling because some logic says I shouldn’t, or whatever caused me to feel it didn’t intend for it to make me feel that.
Tonight I was distant. I was not supportive. I was not allying myself with my wife. Tonight I was burdened by all the feelings I’ve been pushing away feeling. I was weighed down by the pressure of not feeling these feelings. I don’t know exactly how it started or even when but I have for as long as I can remember struggled with feeling feelings. I always try to neutralize them, never getting too excited or too happy and never too upset or too angry. This is not the way you want to live your life, trust me. As important as balance is, it should not compromise justified emotions.
Well, here I am. 9:52PM on Tuesday. Sitting in my bed with my sleeping wife and my sleeping dog. I still haven’t felt these feelings. I’m still trying to figure out how to feel those things. I guess time and lots of talking will do it. I’ll be sure to let you know 😉
I’m feeling scattered and increasingly drowsy so I’ll wrap this up as concisely as my youthful imagination and temporary focus will allow:
Nobody likes feeling hurt. Some of us can’t help feeling it, others of us can push it off until we forget what it feels like (that’s me). The only way to make it go away though is to allow yourself to feel it. You have to allow the brokenness to come and highlight wholeness. It’s through seeing what you’ve been dealt and knowing what you deserve (which as a child of God is just about everything under the sun (and the sun)) that you can eventually come to terms with the reality.
I have an unforgiving sense of conviction which causes me to take upon myself others pains and stresses but along with that I almost always forget that I have pains, hurts, stresses, and fears which need dealing with.
I’m going to sleep now, but think of me as I try to find out where the hurt and pain originated and deal with it from there.