The better portion of the last year has been very very difficult for Kelsie and for me.
I had a job that paid well- money was not a source of stress or worry.
I left that job because I did not love what I was doing. Not loving my job isn’t an accurate depiction of my feelings… I didn’t even like it or enjoy the work itself. I did work with some people I found enjoyable but that’s it. I worked nights and I worked weekends. I missed most family gatherings while I was employed here. I didn’t get to see my wife nearly as much as a newly married man should be able to. I made a decision by the leading of the Holy Spirit and with Kelsie’s full support and encouragement to leave that job for a job I did love. For a job that suited us better. Three months passed since I left my previous job before I landed my current job. Those three months were gruelling for us. Financial difficulties, uneven yokes, second thoughts, identity crises, personal struggles, etc.
Having a job again dismissed a lot of those things, thankfully, but one thing that has not been dismissed yet is the financial struggle. I am making significantly less than I was at my previous job. Not only that, but we moved in my last month at my previous job taking on more financial responsibility. We’re now making less and paying more than we were used to.
The point is not that we don’t have enough money to buy the stuff we want. The point is that my dreams of a bright and fulfilling future, a prosperous and balanced life, a simpler and stress free life, have seemingly slipped out of a grasp which has loosened over months and months of trying to pay bills and buy groceries week by week.
The point is that a burden carried for a extensive timeframe without relief, without renewed hope, without a light shining at the end of the tunnel will run you dry enough to forget why you’re in the place you are. Maybe even more important, it will dry you enough to forget where you’re going and how this is a stepping stone to that place. Not the end of the journey.
I am realizing that this is my reality after seeing side effects of a life without the luster it should have. These side effects may include; unreasoned grumpiness, lack of joy or excitement, neutrality towards all things, a desire to be and have just enough, not to have all that you’re capable and designed to achieve.
There is only one thing that I know will renew hope when it seems impossible to rekindle the once burning fire for something. When suffering feels unending. When there don’t appear to be answers to any questions. When it seems like it’s you against the world.
That one thing is the transforming power of the Holy Spirit. I reflect on this knowledge from a background of experience and intellect, although today as I’m writing this I only buy into the intellect. I know that He will transform and renew me, but I don’t feel as if it were fully true yet.
I will and when I do, I will do my best to let you know. Until then, consider in what ways hope may have been let go in your life and trust with me that the Holy Spirit will indeed rekindle the fire that once burned in your heart.