There’s this weird feeling


Choice is a complicated thing. 

It can be joyous, it can be anxious.

It can desired and it can be dreaded.

It can be healing and it can be hurting. 

 

 

I have a choice. I have an opportunity. I have the freedom to make changes. I have the ability to try something new and to reach out, expand, grow, develop. Or there is always the possibility that I will reach out and miss. That I’ll grow but not how I wanted to. Or that I will develop in ways I did not intend to. But many people don’t have choices. Many people are locked in, trapped, stuck and for many, hopeless. 

Here I am with a choice and instead of rejoicing in the freedom I have, i’m picking at my fingernails because I’m anxious. I am afraid. I am worried. I am, all negative emotions. 

I’ll divulge. 

 

I am afraid of hurting people by making a change. I am afraid of being wrong and looking like a fool. I am afraid of causing avoidable stress. I am worried that it won’t provide financially. But neither does my current situation. I am unsure of what’s to come. The risk is making me fidgety. 

 

I am excited about the prospects. I like the mission. I feel compelled by the purpose. It is with some variation, what I originally dreamed of doing, but I don’t feel ready. I want to tell God it’s not time yet. I know it would be a blessing for me and my family. I counter that with wondering how much of a difficulty it will be.

 

There is obvious benefit. And then there is the non-obvious harm.

I will continue to pray and I will continue to trust. I do not know what I will decide.  

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